might be crazy, but taking all kinds of pills and constantly being high is absolutely helping (how awful does that sound) with coping. i swing back and forth between thinking there even is something to cope, haha. when i open myself up to someone i don’t think they can even begin to realize how difficult and rare that is for me to do. most times i kid myself and put on a facade to make the other person believe i might slightly be interested when i’m really not at all. when i actually care, when i think theres a chance and i really REALLY FEEL it, then i can begin to accept it and go forth. i’m so upset that i had to be crushed after devoting a lot of time and a LOT of thought and feeling into someone, only meeting them ONCE and having what i thought was a really very nice and special time..how did it happen to change so quickly? i don’t know what i did. i think thats the worst part about it all, i just feel incredibly confused and wronged. as usual with most of my trials with people. i was being ignored, something i unfortunately expected. why? i wish you would yell at me i wish you would tell me something i wish i knew why even if it was the most negative and hurtful thing anyone could ever say to me- even then i would be confused. but i don’t get an explanation, i dont even get a chance to express anything. you had me at my most vulnerable point, mind you, something i would consider a privilege to others, but instead you make me feel easy and like a failed strip tease. i hate you, you make me feel stupid for even thinking about you in that way or even at all. you’re horrible and you can’t even figure yourself out. you lie to yourself so much that you begin to believe that the lie is the truth. i’m not going to let you make me feel disgusting and horrible anymore, i know i am the hardest person to get into- because no one could ever know me better than myself. no one could ever talk badly about me because they don’t even know the first thing about me, so i really do hope you’ve kept your mouth shut. the only thing you know about me is my name and what i look like. maybe you brainwashed yourself to forget that too- you are actually really sad haha. i have so many great things going for me, so many opportunities and chances to be successful and wonderful so there is hardly any reason i should prolong my sadness about you. its actually a blessing that you and my BEST friend have decided to “cut me off” because i’m this “bad person” this “drug user” and a “liar” because i don’t have to caress your double standard lives. being told that i’ll one day be a deadbeat drug addict doesn’t seem to hit home when its being told to me by someone who was addicted to heroin at a young age, also when i know for a fucking fact that that is not my fate. now that i can leave the baggage behind me i can grow into a better and stronger person. i have room to focus on what really matters to me and what makes me a happy healthy person. i will soon have a clear mind to function and work to my fullest potential. i will someday not have to take vyvanse or adderall just to get out of bed and go to class because i’m sulking and upset. i have great things ahead of me- i know this. i can only achieve this greatness once i have accepted the negativity and the obstacles that will be only temporary. i try so hard to find the strength and wisdom in myself to avoid railing this oxycodone to feel invincible, to get over something so silly and immature. i have to find it in myself to spend less time and money at bars to get drunk and find a fake relationship for a night. im really not worried though because i know i have been through hell and back, i’ve seen too much for these stupid young eyes and i am still here. i have survived the fucking plague of madness, so i know i can make it through this rut and one day soon laugh at my childishness. i will find something that will make me blissful and happy just the way a painkiller can make me feel numb and sleepy. both washing away my cares and worries. no longer will i be prisoned by anxiety. no longer will i withstand negativity. i know whats right for me because i AM me and i know myself better than anyone in this fucked universe. i am willing to have an open mind to the world, to emit positivity, to become healthy, to love, to share with others, to open my doors, make friends, love my family, love MYSELF. i desire happiness so badly, i deserve nothing but it after what i’ve been through my entire life. no longer will i find false happiness in another person, for no one is to be trusted all that much and it is not worth it to feel dehumanized by another person as it is their responsibility for sabotaging your most secure and secret feelings. no one should be allowed to disable you to the point where you wish you were in prison rather than in your bed with a nosebleed, crying your eyes out because the drugs and the money are gone. i thought i hit rock bottom when i was spiraling out of control with my eating habits but now i see what the reality of this negative path is. my eating problems still and might always exist, however the major point of my days has become getting high and how sad that is. but no more, for so long i have been telling myself this and for so long there has been no positive change. but i am serious. i am so serious. i wont be pushed around by anyone anymore, i wont be pushed around by myself and my horrible habits. i am stopping this before it gets worse i really know it i see where this is going. once i am positive and emitting positivity back into the world i will receive positivity and positive people. i have understood the workings of this universe to an extent as my actions have been less than perfect or good- hence why i have been given crap and negativity. i know i do not deserve it and inside there is someone who is eager to release themselves. freedom at last

i also didnt realize that last year i actually was ill with an ed. i thought i wasnt enough of a case to have a diagnosable problem but looking back i realize. i also thought no one noticed or knew but having been sit down and told that people were worried for my health was a huge shock. for so long i almost wanted that attention because i felt like i wanted to be helped but i never thought anyone actually caught onto it. the same crap is happening now, only with my alleged drug problem. its taken lightly when you least expect anyone to care but when it comes down to it, the misunderstanding friends and the like have that look on their face and worry in the whites of their eyes and say “are you ok?” as if i were to actually know if i was okay even at all and end with “i was really scared for you” leaving you wondering well if you were so scared then why didnt you take immediate action? i appreciate the concern though nothing has been done/ 

why do i want to feel beautiful? why do i want to lose weight and be sickly thin? i think it might please me , but for what? are there other things that please me, am i looking for that even? what am i longing for, sometimes i might think its another person, something to make me feel worth it but i am so often told not to invest time in someone else and not to seek validation for myself in someone else. but how could you ignore the way that someone makes you feel worth it, the way a single person makes your bad habits slowly fade into the past and makes you believe every second might be worth it when looking at the bigger picture. its sad because theyre right, people come and go. they always go, the good ones always leave. they leave you alone with your sadness and bad vices and the confusion begins again. they were right but why. what do i want from myself and what will it take to be happy on my own. its so hard to reach that state of mind on my own and i want to try all the time to figure it out but it is something i dont know if i am capable of doing. negativity is what i know, its what i live when im alone i am always alone i am always with negativity. i love to tear myself apart and hurt- its what i know. some people can fall asleep to thoughts of being coddled by their loved one, i fall asleep to the thought of slicing my wrist with a clean sharp blade and falling to the ground in a pool of my own blood. i tried to sleep with thoughts of being tucked in and kissed on the forehead but found myself only to lay in bed and wait up until my body felt comfortable enough to sleep on its own. i really value my life (probably more than previously) but i still cant rid of negative and self destructive thoughts. i almost feel like i deserve it but wtf why. what is my fulfillment if anything, what am i waiting for? what do i actually want??????? if i cant or shouldnt look for validation and happiness if only temporary, in someone else than what should i do? i cant feel that same way with myself because my brain is hardwired to hate me. i am at a dead end its stupid

holy shit here i am again

there is so much pressure from the new year when i wish there wasn’t, i dont feel like anything is new and i dont want to force myself into anything i know i cant promise will work. i cant promise myself to be hopeful and optimistic and 15 pounds lighter and beautiful just because of a new year. i want things to flow and be fluid the way they should be, not forced and planned out. im stressed only because i inflict the pain on myself with these high expectations i have out of life right now for no reason. when will i stop lying to myself and let go of the things that i know are bad? i am so capable of writing about them, and knowing whats wrong and whats bad in my life, what i dont need and what i shouldnt inflict on myself anymore, but i can’t seem to shake it. its been over a year and my brain is still wired to want to hurt myself, i still have it within my nature to want to starve or b/p, not only that but to dwell on bad relationships/friendships, bad memories and bad feelings. i find it SO hard to let go of negativity. its easy to let go of positivity, as it passes so quickly in and out of my life. i want to be happy for the happy times in my life, and the happy things i’ve experienced and the fact that im living in such a time, im spoiled, i have opportunities that many others dont have and yet i sulk away in despair because certain things arent the way i wish they were. i continuously beat myself up because i have such impending and perpetual self hate. why cant i change? why cant i feel normal in this body, why cant i stop the noise in my brain. im so young and i feel so smothered by myself and i am trapped. i am trapped in myself forever.

i just realized this blog is about a year old. im scared of it

i would do anything to be 114 again

to be blunt im actually terrified and pressured and upset and vulnerable to the point where i am going to end up in a bad position. my addiction used to be control over my body and eating because thats all there was but now i have to deal with actual substance and drugs and being in unsafe conditions and maybe its almost the same but there are so many variables. i dont want to be this way i just want to be the thin reserved girl i used to be. no one knew what went on they just knew this person, but now things have changed and its all a different story.

theres no way i could possibly cover how much time has passed since religiously depending on this. things have changed, ive traveled, moved etc. my mind has been elsewhere, essentially putting on 25 pounds give or take. i think about it a lot. how important i made this, and i miss the control i had in some respect. i feel triggered often, but since opening up to people about my past problems ive found it hard to let my vices control me again although i’d almost want them to in order for me to stop this downward spiral. who knows

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i dont know what i want for myself. not even what i “want” what do i aspire to be, what do i chose to live by, who am i trying to please if not myself. what am i doing here.